Afternoon mood

Fear of change

As a rule, people strive to be better, not worse, than they are now. But many times, we do not want to improve our ways, we want to stay where we are. This is the place of safety. We know it well. We are familiar with its good and bad points. Any change, for better or worse, is accompanied by this strange feeling of loosing yourself. This is true about individuals living alone, and the more so about couples who share their lives, experiences - in short, life paths.
There is no need to add, that if we resist any change, we just stay on the same place for the rest of our lives. We remain alone in the landscape of our childhood, instead of becoming part of the landscape of someone else - our children (in the same way our parents had to leave their landscapes of childhood in order to create a setting for us).
There is even more tricky thing about the fear of change. When we are alone, we have absolutely no problem to improve our ways. That is at least what we say. And we even do that. And we bear all responsibility for the decision and for making it happen. And nobody intervenes. This change is purely voluntary. And we feel the piece of cake is just ours! Congratulations! Free choice.
What happens when we are two? We also change. Some changes are inevitable (when two people start to live together, they both adjust a bit their daily, weekly, yearly routine), some are the result of being together. Maybe the better word would be transformation - we both are being transformed as a result of being together. Hey! But if this is a psik reisha, where is my free choice? And here comes the more difficult part. As if there was a contradiciton: The transformation is inevitable, but we still freely choose to undergo it. Sounds familiar? Jewish people received the Torah on Mount Sinai freely (na'ase ve-nishma), but at the same time Hashem held the mount Sinai above them, saying: If you do not receive the Torah, I will drop on you this mount and you all will die. We need to understand, that this act did not exclude the free choice. The Jews freely chose to receive the Torah to keep it, but sometimes we need a little reminder (not direct one maybe, but also the fear of punishment might be this 'negative' drive to fulfill the mitzvot, that we have hardships with). Sometimes we do mitzvot with enthusiasm and smoothly (na'ase ve-nishma), sometimes it is hard and we need to remind ourselves there is a covenant and we are obliged to keep it even when it is not so convenient (har ke-gigit, Hashem holding the mount above us).
I dare to say this is true also in relationships and therefore there is no contradiction between inevitable and voluntary. When we choose to spent the rest of our life with someone, we do so freely. When we are together we still have choice to make the life of our partner and ours better. Sometimes we have a lot of enthusiasm, sometimes less. When we have no drive, then we can remind ourselves, that this is a covenant (as opposed to a business contract). Like between Hashem and Jewish people  - it is no accident, that this relationship is described in terms of marriage. But in order not to put the partner under stress, it should function as a self-reminder: I recall my part of the covenant. And I trust the partner to do the same. Trust (in Hebrew emun, which is directly related to the word emuna, usually translated as belief) is the essential part of the covenant, both between a man and a woman and between Hashem and Jewish people.
Now, the process of transformation in marriage has an interesting aspect. Little changes we undergo are indeed our success, but as opposed to being single, our partner has his or her merit in this, becasue our change was enabled by being together (of course we do not talk about continual criticism and cynic remarks, that rather have devastating effect). It is our success, and we should be thankful for that. It is our spouse who traced the potential in us, and helped us to make the best of it, just by the fact, that he/she stands by our side, nothing more. The piece of cake is shared.
The fear of future change of ours might be also stemming from our false self-perception, that we actually are  already now perfect. If we think so, than our fear of change is bigger, because if the change happens, it means we were not that perfect.
So lets abandon all fears, lets admit that we are not perfect and lets keep in mind our partner want the best for us, as we want for him/her.

Marriage? Marriage!!

Recently, I have been asked a tricky question: What is marriage? Is it the way how we meet our needs? Is it something we need? Or is it a mission? 'Do you want to get married because you need it (tsorech) or because you believe it is a mission (avodat Hashem)?' Well, the answer is not that simple.
My impression is, that unless people felt the need to share their lives with another person in an official framework, they simply would not have done that, and the world would have come soon to its end. It is fact, that we need it. That is our nature. There are many personal needs that can be met only, if we have a partner - and these needs may be the most banal and of physical nature, and they might be of a very spiritual nature.
But, in order to succeed in the marriage, once we get married, we should switch the approach to the 'mission' mode. Marriage is a mission. Two people who share life goals and want to reach them 'davka' together. During this mission, we make efforts to meet the needs of the other, as well as we articulate our own needs, so that our partner will be able to meet them. We are thankful to each other for these efforts (thankfulness and appreciation are alef bet of the Torah, as we learn from the reason why Amon and Moav cannot become our brethren). That is part of this mission, and yes - also the path itself is essential part of the goal.
Mission accomplished is the biggest reward for all efforts that we make in our lives (see the picture). That is the true satisfaction (and I can imagine the granchildren playing on the playground in front of this older couple).
Personal happiness can be reached only when we are able to be happy as we are. It should not be dependent on the other, on his/her efforts (of course, I am talking about a healthy, communicating couple, that are not intentionally or unintentionally hurting each other all the time).
This mission is like a serious game, where we do not compete, but rather help each other to reach the end. We can succeed only when both partners play the game, while keeping personal integrity. And most important - please let us not turn our own comfort into an ideology.

What happened on the fields to Kain and Hevel?

Now the man knew his wife Eve, and she conceived and bore Cain, and she said, "I have acquired a man with the Lord. And she continued to bear his brother Abel, and Abel was a shepherd of flocks, and Cain was a tiller of the soil. Now it came to pass at the end of days, that Cain brought of the fruit of the soil an offering to the Lord. And Abel he too brought of the firstborn of his flocks and of their fattest, and the Lord turned to Abel and to his offering. But to Cain and to his offering He did not turn, and it annoyed Cain exceedingly, and his countenance fell. And the Lord said to Cain, "Why are you annoyed, and why has your countenance fallen? Is it not so that if you improve, it will be forgiven you? If you do not improve, however, at the entrance, sin is lying, and to you is its longing, but you can rule over it." And Cain spoke to Abel his brother, and it came to pass when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and slew him. And the Lord said to Cain, "Where is Abel your brother?" And he said, "I do not know. Am I my brother's keeper?" And He said, "What have you done? Hark! Your brother's blood cries out to Me from the earth. And now, you are cursed even more than the ground, which opened its mouth to take your brother's blood from your hand. When you till the soil, it will not continue to give its strength to you; you shall be a wanderer and an exile in the land." And Cain said to the Lord, "Is my iniquity too great to bear? Behold You have driven me today off the face of the earth, and I shall be hidden from before You, and I will be a wanderer and an exile in the land, and it will be that whoever finds me will kill me." And the Lord said to him, "Therefore, whoever kills Cain, vengeance will be wrought upon him sevenfold," and the Lord placed a mark on Cain that no one who find him slay him. And Cain went forth from before the Lord, and he dwelt in the land of the wanderers, to the east of Eden. (Bereshit 4, 1-16)

Rav Sharki gives the following interpretation to the fourth chapter (the commentary is based mainly on pshat, almost the literal meaning of the words, and a bit of a Midrash):

According to the Jewish tradition Adam had marital relations with Chava before they were expelled from the Paradise. We learn this from the first verse: "Ve-ha-Adam yada et Chava ishto" (instead of Va-yeda ha-Adam, see Rashi there).
When Hevel was born, Kain understood that he is no more THE son, but he has from now a competitor. Thus, already at the birth of Hevel, the murder was anticipated. Kain was born egoist, into the reality, where there is no competition. Hevel was born into the reality, where he understood, that he has to share - therefore he will give the best to the other, and the rest will keep, unlike Kain.
Kain says: I am egoist by nature. What do you want from me, Hashem? This is my nature and I cannot change. But Hashem interrogates and challenges, and reveals a novelty:
Kain, you have, as a human being, a free will. You can choose how you will be, how you will act and react. And therefore, being born as an egoist is actually an advantage, because you can choose to be good (while your initial parameters were negative), and it will be understood as a greater achievement than being born good and righteous. The free choice is a reaction on our initial parameters, not their function.
Hashem says to Kain: If you want/choose to succeed, you will win (Im tetiv, set.). But if you do not use the power of free choice, the sin is there waiting for you. But even there, you have the power to overcome it.
What was Kain's reaction? 'And Kain said to Hevel, his brother.' Until now, he didn't call Hevel his brother. Now, when Hashem told him he can revert his 'fate', he comes to Hevel and says: You are my brother, lets live in peace. But what happened afterwards? They tried to speak, but it did not succeed, and the story ended by death. Fields is the space of nature, of competition - that is a hint to the subject to their conversation. Whatever it was, they quarreled (opinions are many: they argued about the crops and the cattle, about a woman, or holy sites; there is also opinion that they talked about something, that was not even considered conversation, and that is why the Torah doesn't note it). This teaches us, that we know from the beginning, what are the source of quarrels, wars and murder. Nevertheless, our free choice stands above them all, because human morality is more than human animal nature (if we choose so). [As I understand it, when we wonder why people are bad and why they sin, why they hurt other people, and are immoral, I do not wonder about the fact they do these things, but rather about the fact they choose to do them, despite they can choose to act rightly. This is not a mere detail in understanding, but a huge difference - between naivity and morality.]
Kain chose not to use his free will for good, and murdered his brother. His punishment was to wander in the world - a fate that is completely against his sedentary nature (agriculturist). Because the soil, his occupation was the source of the sin, it was necessary to disconnect him from the soil to correct his path. In the end, he really undergoes some amendment.
What was the sin of Hevel? Why did he die? It is written: 'And Kain stood up towards Hevel, his brother, and killed him.' (4, 8). It means, that he lied on the ground - Hevel knocked him down. But he did not used his advantage to kill Kain first. He didn't understand, that had he killed Kain, he would not been called murderer, as the justice was on his side (he only defended himself). It follows, that Hevel did a fatal mistake by not killing, when he should have done that in order to save his own life. That is the hidden sin of Hevel, which is only hinted in the Torah. After that, Shet was born - a better version of Hevel. A person, whom Kain cannot kill, because he defends himself, but at the same time he doesn't become like Kain.
What a surprise then, when Kain blames Hashem for the murder: 'Am I my brother's keeper?' He says actually: Hashem, you were his keeper, and you still let me to kill him. Why do you then rebuke me? I used the possibility of free choice, which was what you wanted me to do. Hashem answers: 'What did you do?' You didn't kill Hevel because you wanted to fulfill my will (leshem Shamayim), but rather for low reasons. And therefore it counts as a sin.


The big lesson of this story is simple, and argues for example with the Greek mythology, based on determining parameters and an inevitable human disaster. The Torah acknowledges human nature, its flaws and negative potentials, but it teaches us, that it is not only a possibility, but also a moral command, to surpass this nature and live in congruence with the given moral.

If-games

Had he gone after another,
the pain would be bearable,
had she accepted all the pain,
he would have found another one,
had they left all their fears behind,
they would laugh as an old couple
had they abandon obsessions they had,
both could have settled their mind,
and their happines would be double,
and they would live a long life.

Challenges II

A month ago, I started a contemplation on challenges that we have in our lives. I received one response, which I could identify with (see there). My impression is, that dealing with challenges is either tabu or something everyone knows how to do but me.


The three conclusions, I made in the end are not conclusions I made, but rather attempt to show, how the subject can be wrongly grasped. Now I will try to see, what are the alternatives.
1) The wrong conclusion was: I can bear anything that happens. I must succeed to overcome all life challenges smoothly and with elegance. People who hurt me are heavenly messengers, and I should maybe thank them.
Correction (inspired by the commentator):
It is true that Hashem loads on us a lot of difficulties, but he does so in order that we find a right response, and grow. The rule seems to be - the more precious the lesson, the more painful the way to it.
People who hurt you have their own account with Hashem, and it is not your business to drive conclusions about them and their account, except for the fact, that you might want to avoid them next time. They are not heavenly messengers.



2) The wrong conclusion was: I don't want to be righteous, it really doesn't pay. It is easier not to strive for being a better person, because good people have it more difficult. Alternative reaction: If I find something very difficult, it means I am righteous.

Both statements are obviously a nonsense. Sometimes, we tend to make our lives easier saying - I am not capable to do this and that, because I am not at that spiritual level. Well, it is up to everyone of us to know what we strive for and how we want to get there. Sometimes less is more, but many times we can do more than we think.

If I have many difficulties, it is not a sign of my righteousness, as nicely said: It is more a sign of potential than actual. If I find a proper response to difficulties, it may help me to come closer to being righteous.


3) We should look forward to any challenge, and we should even look for it actively, as challenges lead to spiritual growth.
This is absolutely wrong. We ask Hashem every morning, that he spare us all trials and challenges. We are not here to look for them. The truth is, that we have to many of challenges even without trying to catch any opportunity to be challenged.


Well, how easy it seems to be!! The problem is - and that is why we find ourselves many times in trouble - that not always we choose a proper response to a challenge. Too many times we hope for a miracle, too many times we rely on things, facts, and people that are not reliable. Too many times we expect the others to change, without being ready to change ourselves, too many times we load on ourselves more than we can bear thinking that this is what Hashem surely wants from us.

And that is why I think, that what I wrote might be nice and true, but it still does not help me to know, what to do.

The only lesson that never is the wrong one, is, as is written in this week's chapter of Pirkei Avot:

'He who has the three attributes is among the disciples of Avraham Avinu [...]: A good eye, a humble mind and an undemanding soul...' (PA, 5:22)

May we be able to be like Avraham Avinu, and may we learn right lessons from the most difficult challenges we go through.

Thunder in the summer Jerusalem?

This is the time to think, what we have and how we proceed. At least, we can draw a line or two and imagine we start a new chapter. Whatever we do, we will feel the sweet presence of the Almighty and his justice. Yes, there is a hope, but we have to see it in the right corner...