History explained - who dares?

Today I heard an interesting lecture, which stirred me up. The story of Rabbi Akiva and his students, who died in an epidemic, offers a couple of challenges.
Just to sum up the story, Rabbi Akiva, a prominent Jewish scholar who witnessed the destruction of the Second Jerusalem Temple, gained popularity among the young Jewish scholars and acquired after many years 24,000 students (to be sure, the numbers are not to be taken exactly, but rather point at the enormous impact of the teacher). According to the Jewish tradition, they all died because of the same reason - lack of respect to each other. And there came a good question from one of the lecture listeners: It is indeed very important to pay respect to others, but are there not more severe transgressions against the Torah, and against the humanity, that go unnoticed? Why did the students had to be punished so severely for the "mere" lack of respect?
Let us think about this. It is a legitimate wonder. Even if we admit that God evaluates the transgressions of righteous people (who Rabbi Akiva's students surely were) more stringently than those of simple and not so righteous people like me, we still can find an epidemics too harsh a punishment.
It might help to bring into picture two factors:
1. Historical setting of the story,
2. Who gave the reason for the epidemics.

The first factor will help us understand, that the story of Rabbi's Akiva was part of bigger history, namely the history of the Jewish people. Rabbi Akiva is marked by the Jewish tradition as a man of faith. Of such faith, that enabled him to laugh at a painful and terrible view of destroyed Jerusalem. He laughed, because he realized that the destruction of the Temple was already foretold by the Jewish prophets. And if the sorrowful words of the prophets are becoming reality, so their words of joy, namely the construction of the Third Temple, will one day become a reality.
People did not understand him. He was alone in his faith and deep insight. Yet, he raised a new generation of students, Jewish scholars and leaders,  into a new scene - destruction and diaspora. The promising continuation was however sharply discontinued. All the students died. They did not respect each other as personalities. They were having lots of scholarly disputes, and they forgot that they were also people.
According to the Jewish tradition, there are two types of dispute: the one that is for the sake of the Heaven, and the one that is not for the sake of the Heaven. If the dispute if for the sake of the Heaven, the participants strictly divide between the partner in dispute and the partner in life. In dispute, there is raising voice, there is fierceness, passion, boycott. But in privacy, both parties show high respect to each other. The scholarly disagreement doesn't spoil the true nature of the relationship between two human beings. The opposite is true about the dispute that is not for the sake of the Heaven. Academic disputes are taken into privacy, both parties are hostile to each other.
It is not stated about the students of Rabbi Akiva that they hated each other. But they did not pay respect to their colleagues and that was something unheard of until then. This was the end of one era -  the era of the Temple, of the Jewish political autonomy, of the Jewish people in Eretz Israel, the era of disputes for the sake of the Heaven, and the beginning of the another epoch - lack of Jewish statehood, lack of contact with Eretz Israel, diaspora, disputes that are not for the sake of Heaven. Rabbi Akiva's students were punished harshly for what other people would have probably survived.  Not that we are claiming that later scholars were not righteous, or that all the Jews before the destruction of the Temple were righteous. Rabbi Akiva's students can be seen as symbolically marking the borderline between then and now.
The second factor is a question: Who gave the reason for the students' death? It was later Jewish spiritual leadership that reasoned the otherwise inexplicably targeted epidemics. Nowadays we read it as it is without a wink, as we read also about reasons given to the destruction of the First and the Second Temple. But imagine that someone would like to give similar reason to some contemporary tragedy. Just remember the vast criticism that falls on heads of those who give "spiritual" reasons to the Holocaust. So my question is simple - are we entitled to explain history or are we not? If we say yes, then the yes would be strongly selective. Not everyone has the spiritual legitimacy to suggest why bad things happen. It is only a very limited number of spiritual leaders who could possibly do that. And they themselves probably feel unfit to such a role, not daring to compare themselves to the Jewish scholarship from 2000 years ago. If the answer is no, than how can we learn from history? How can we amend what our forefathers (and us) corrupted? I think the answer is somewhere between. We are not in a place, from where we can point at tragedies and say "That's because X and Y." But it would be foolish to ignore that maybe someone wants us to stop for a moment and think what perhaps has to be done otherwise.
And this is indeed something we can live on during these difficult days of epidemics, that we are trying to stop. Not giving explanations or reasons. But acting as if we gave such a reason. Namely, improve our social and private behaviour. It is quite tricky at times when you barely meet anyone, when you have no real social contact, when virtual connectivity prevails. On the other hand, we have an opportunity to, while siting in our homes, slowly starting to miss the social part of our busy lives, define better our priorities, understand more the people around (our situation is all of a sudden so desperately same, or very similar, worldwide) and come up with a new social deal.

"Mom, I don't want to be a Mom!"

This day was The Day. The day when your pre-schooler shifts from easily tackled curiosity to "Oh Gosh, how do I answer this!" I was always convinced that parents should not lie to their kids, but at the same time, I have a feeling that the kids do not need to know everything before its time (which is indeed individual). So today, I had to take a deep breath and dive into an intuitive, loving, and as truthful explanation mode as possible.
Before she fell asleep, my four-year-old daughter whispered: I don't want to be a Mom. I was little confused. Do I really complain so much in front of my cuties, how difficult and sometimes straining it is to have kids and take care of them? I started to regret all these improper complaints, but still was enough on alert to ask: "Why don't you want to be a Mom?"
The answer was on a higher level than I expected: "Because mothers and babies have to be in the hospital." All right, so it was not me and my bad presentation of the motherhood. My brain sped up. Aha, so my daughter doesn't like the idea of going to the hospital. Understandable. I tried to explain, that there is a special place with only mothers, babies, doctors and nurses in the hospital, with no sick people around. She asked why doctors have to be there then (hmmm, very good question, my not-so-little smart girl). Me: "They help the babies to come to the world", knowing, that she knows that babies are first in the Mom's tummy. I was sure this was the end. But it wasn't. Now the real issue popped out. My daughter's next question was: "Is it pleasant when a baby comes to the world?" Pleasant, pleasant.. I actually had to think for a moment. It is certainly pleasant occasion when babies show up, but the whole process can rarely be described as a pleasurable experience, unless you are really really good in the art of visualization. So I tried to get away with an evasive answer: "It is a big miracle and people are very happy when a baby is born." Of course this was not a sufficient answer, and so my girl specified her inquiry readily, on an uncompromisingly personal level: "Did it hurt YOU when me and Chani were born?" I was pushed into the corner. No escape. Be brave. Don't lie. Don't get her more scared than she is either. So after a bit of thinking, I answered, actually honestly: "First of all, I don't remember so well the pain, but there was some pain, indeed. However, the joy and the happiness when I saw you, when you were born, were so much bigger, that I forgot about the pain quickly." My stream of consciousness went on in rewind, recalling both births, and I was surprised to reveal, that the pain was not a dominant topic. I could actually think about it without feeling it again - as opposed to a certain period following the birth (I guess there are advantages of being not too good in visualization).
"I am sure that when you become a Mom, you will also be so very much happy, like me." I felt I had to say this. And I felt like giving a real blessing.
I don't know whether my daughter changed her mind about being a Mom, she did not tell me. And I did not ask. But since she moved on with suggestions for a baby girl and a boy names, and fell asleep like a minute after, I want to hope that my answers fell on the fertile land.
And I feel content because I was telling her neither lies nor fairy-tales.

Coming soon!

This Yom Kippur - no - this whole Elul period and the Ten Days of Tshuva were filled with awe and contemplation. Besides all my misdeeds, bad character traits, smaller and bigger transgressions, besides my more or less (less) successful attempts to maintain peace with my surroundings, besides all I should really fear, what I surely should regret and improve, cease from doing or start doing, or start doing again. Besides all these that were on my mind, I had one more little, indeed negligible, not important in comparison to the above, ISSUE in my trembling mind. Will my dissertation be inscribed in the Book of Success?
And during the days of awe and contemplation, it seemed I was in the right direction. My plan was to work on it slowly, steadily, and to finish it in due time. Exactly like I promised myself ten years ago (oh yes, man), then again when I got married five years ago (happy anniversary!), and to make sure again when my first and second were born (thereafter, since I like order). Overall optimistic view of me sitting down with my books and computer, notes, and other notes, and some additional notes, just not to forget anything, every day except Shabbath Eve, at eight o'clock sharp (dishes, floors, snacks for tomorrow - all done and the kids peacefully sleeping). All rested from the hard brain work at work, thanks to the playful afternoon with our offspring (wink wink). My brain again fresh and happy to collaborate and cooperate.
And lets not forget these free days, when I have reached my monthly hours at work.
This day came today. One day after Yom Kippur. What a wonderful chance. What a wonderful timing. Sitting in a coffeehouse, my favorite, and the only productivity stimulating workplace, with something small to sooth my guts, an opened computer, and some notes.
So why, instead of writing down the yet unwritten, why do I waste time on my blog? So here is what I loftily did not consider: I can think of million things at once, but not million plus one.
This morning, this one more thing, that did not get it into the limits, was to take the actual folders with the text of the dissertation (don't ask, why they are not placed safely in my computer. Or do.).
My coffee is getting cold, the cake is not tasty as it was at a first bit. My computer is longing for more folders and so am I. Longing for more folders, more time, more energies, more flexibility, more Sitzfleisch (more polite way to say "stick your ass to the chair and work, work, work, until done"), less procrastination, less blockages of my mind pipes, and more fluent traffic ibidem.
I wish you the same in the year 5779, and on this optimistic note, lets get into work, and work, work work, until done (the work).
Coming soon!

My dear friend

My dear friend and teacher,

for too long a time I was shy to call you friend and too arogant to call you teacher. You were both to me.
Today, and woe to me, only today, I realized, that worldly matters and vicissitudes of life also applied to you. Somehow, despite all the nisyonot that Hashem sent you, you seemed to be untouchable, far from being a regular, normative and worldly human being. As if you went unaffected by all the troubles. Now I know, that it was just because of the way you were dealing with things, that made you so in my eyes, not the nature of those things. You went through difficult times, you suffered a lot, but never showed more than a drop of the whole sea of it. For me, you were the most vivid and happy person, welcoming everyone and everything with a great and firm emuna and simcha. The only tears of sorrow that I have seen, were when your brother, z"l,  passed away. The rest were tears of pure happiness.
Very childish from me was to think, that you would be always here. That IT cannot happen. But it did. My friend and my teacher, today Hashem recollected your soul.
I am writing this, because today I learned a big thing. I met a person, who walked before Hashem and was perfect (Gen 17,1). May we always be watchful enough to notice  that on time.

Chaya Shifra bat Hudye Hadassa, may your soul be bound up in the bond of life.

Motherhood, Robinhood

I am writing this with full conscious that following lines are absolutely unnecessary. It is not meant as a personal confession. Neither as a theoretical bla-bla. It is here to fill the empty space on this page and save many souls from free time spent properly.
Some would call it procrastination. Mothers should either hang the laundry or write their dissertation. Possibly both. Better simultaneously.
Before you become a mother, you observe from a save distance Facebook talks of your friends about their kids, fevers, teeth, diapers, swaddling and who knows what. In pregnancy, you read a lot about childcare, and are sure that with all this knowledge you are still not prepared. During the first days after the birth, still in the hospital, you are quite relaxed, have your morning coffee, eat properly and often, shower two times daily, are very self-confident and sure you take care of your baby the best way you can (80 percent of the care is done by the nurses, far, far away from your room).
When you are about to leave the hospital, you unfortunately forget to take all these things with you back home, nurses inclusive. Instead, you take absolutely unrealistic flyer with some after-birth exercises, release letter signed by a doctor you have never met and a feeling that two hundred years passed since arriving at the hospital.
Landed. Your home seems like after returning from a very long vacation. You have to find your place here again.
I wanted to write about how all the negative feelings are normal, how you should not resist any help, how you should be patient with getting some routine back, how normal it is that you don't have time to eat properly, take rest etc. But these words would be redundant, banal, garbage.
So instead I shall say: Many expectations will be fulfilled. Many will not. Be ready to get diverse opinions on what is bothering you. All that is confusing and irritating. You probably will come to two or three conclusions at the end of your postpartum period, namely:
1. Everything that I have read and heard, did not help much.
2. Everything that I have read and heard, was right.
3. Everything that I have read and heard, contradicted each other, and is the very proof of the fact, that nobody really know how it works.

I should really rather work on my dissertation.

Getting back

Getting back to anything needs to be done step by step. If you want to get back to writing your blog, first find it on the internet (if you are lucky and not breastfeeding, you might remember its name). Second, choose one topic to write about. You might think, that your every little thought deserves a special topic. It is absolutely not true (I mean, except for my little thoughts).
Do you have a topic? Now you might make first mistake looking for the right title. You realize how much intertwined your theme is with your other little thoughts and quite confused give up the title altogether. Good thing about it - it is a sign of complex thinking.
Then, start happily. Do not forget to bring your drink, because if you do, you might have to leave the blog and go get it, and never come back.
Did you say to the world everything you wanted? Now, post it on facebook, or send a link to your friends, if you want at least 100 people know about it. Do not forget to send it to your Mom, just to make sure at least one person reads it. If you want more readers, read it once more.

In the end you have to give up hopes to be read, to be original, to be THE blogger.
And in the end of the end, you make obvious conclusion: I am writing this for myself.

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