I am going to write in short about how individual
independence can contribute to the quality of a relationship.
When we are able to do anything and everything, when
we are completely independent on others, when we do not "need" anyone
to accomplish tasks for us (cooking, doing dishes, putting pieces of furniture
together, driving, fighting with the authorities etc.), only then we can really
appreciate being together. Our relationship is based not on exchange of
products, but rather on voluntarily leaning on each other, appreciating what the other does
for us, and giving ourselves out. We are replaceable in the tasks, and that
up-grades our relationship, paradoxically, to the next level.
Individual independence is the challenge of nowadays
men and women. Women work, sustain themselves, in extreme cases they can
conceive in absence of a real man. Men very well care of themselves, their
households, their kids, even without a presence of a woman. At a first glance,
this is a very horrid picture. And some people are quite afraid of the consequences
of such social condition. This approach is predictable. It has a great
psychological value, but a very limited practical value.
However, I believe this condition has a great
potential that is ignored. If both men and women can do many things alone,
their being together upgrades from the simple pragmatic dependency to conscious
and mutual contribution to the 'being together'.
Of course, this is not to say, that if we are not
completely independent in carrying out these tasks, we are inferior. Not at all. There always will be people, who are
not good in cooking, driving, sewing, construction... And it is very nice to
appreciate when someone does for us what we cannot do ourselves.
But too many people are rather independent in nowadays
society. And yes, we always have the possibility to complain and weep over the
spilled milk. We can regret, that men are too independent in the house and with
kids, and that women are too independent financially and socially.
I like how you explain that independence allows our relationships to be based on something a lot deeper than simply satisfying physical demands of existence.
ReplyDeleteThe next question is what will hold these relationships together. The same dependencies which brought people together in the past, also kept them together. When we are independent, it is much more meaningful to start a relationship, but also much easier to end it. Are independent relationships going to have a much shorter half-life than dependent relationships, or will we find new ways to keep together?
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ReplyDeleteI will answer separately. Thanks for the questions!!
ReplyDeleteI think now I have shorter response:
ReplyDeleteResponsibility.
Remarks:
There is indeed no 100% guarantee that the relationship will last forever. That is part of the mutual risk. On the other hand - when two responsible and respecting people meet, they have high chances to stay together. By the way - what do we know about the past? And the past is incomparable. Catholic society doesn't allow divorce. For protestant society I have no data. Jewish society? What do we know about marriages? Thanks to Jewish values (mutual respect prescribed by the Torah - chelek mi-neshama Elokit mamash, partnership of a man and woman), they were less separations, but that doesn't mean that the marriage lasted. People died earlier, they were many times separated physically (journeys, wars) etc.
Comparison with the past makes the picture of nowadays unfairly distorted.